I often think, had I only said this - or more often, Not said that - I would have cleared the interview. But then I think, what’s the point of getting a job through deceit? Why should I start a career on foundations weak?
Lord, give me the job that I deserve, not the one I lust after.
मई जून 1940 की बात है. हिटलर ने पूरे महाद्वीप पर कब्ज़ा कर लिया. Blitzkreig कामयाब हुआ प्रतीत होता था. france ने घुटने टेक दिए थे. अब britain की बारी थी. हिटलर ने कहा, आत्मसमर्पण कर दो. churchill ने parliament को कहा -
“… we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the new world, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old…”
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_shall_fight_on_the_beaches#Peroration)
और फिर उन्होंने कहा,
“…. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, This was their finest hour....”
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_was_their_finest_hour)
===
साला देश के देश नहीं रुकते परेशानी में,पर उनकी बात छोडो.. siberian crane नहीं रूकती हिन्दुकुश पार करने से, चींटी नहीं रूकती दाना उठाने में, spider नहीं रुकता बार बार गिर कर उठने की कोशिश करने में, गड्ढे में गिरी गाय नहीं रूकती निकलने की कोशिश करने में … इंसान होकर मैं रुक जाऊं तो धिक्कार है मुझ पे!! जब चीज़ें आसान हो तो कोई भी नाम कर सकता है. मुश्किल से जूझना ही तो मर्दानगी है. और अगर इतना पढ़ के, इतना कर के, इतने अच्छे रिश्तेदारों और मित्रों का साथ पाने के बावजूद मैं घबरा जाऊं, तो मुझमे है की क्या गर्व के लिए??
आजकल सोच रहा हूँ की निराशा से कैसे निपटा जाए. यह कहना की निराश हो ही मत तो एक ideal state है. वो मेरे बस की फिलहाल नहीं. शायद कुछ समय बाद आये.
महत्त्वपूर्ण ये है की जब पता है की मैं निराश या तो हूँ, या हो सकता हूँ, तो उसका उपाय क्या हो? निराशा को यही हटाया नहीं जाए, तो वो अवसाद का रूप धारण कर सकती है. ये मेरे साथ पहले बहुत बार हो चुका है, और आजकल भी हो रहा है.. इस समस्या का समाधान अत्यावश्यक है.
मेरे विचार में जब भी हम निराश हों, तो अपने भूत के बारे में सोचना चाहिए. मेरा मतलब ये नहीं है की सोचो, ” अरे अगर मैं कुछ करता तो ये हो जाता, या अगर में कुछ मेहनत और करता तो कुछ पा जाता, या अगर मैं इतना मूर्खता पूर्ण हरकतें नहीं करता तो वो मेरी होती.. आदि, इत्यादि”. मेरा अभिप्राय है की सोचो जीवन में पहले भी कितनी कठिनाईयां आयीं, कितनी बार लगा की भाई अब तो गए - अब कुछ हो नहीं सकता…लेकिन हर बार चीज़ें ठीक ही हो गयीं. जैसे की कभी लगता था की अगर नंबर ठीक नहीं आये तो क्या होगा - भाई नहीं भी आये तब भी कहीं न कही admission हो ही गया. लगता था की नौकरी नहीं मिली तो क्या होगा - तो नौकरी भी मिल ही गयी. लगता था की अगर वो लड़की मुझे पसंद नहीं करेगी तो क्या होगा - नहीं भी किया तो क्या फर्क पद गया जीवन में? भूल तो गए सब कुछ. वो चीज़ें कहाँ इतनी बड़ी लगती हैं सब. काल ने सब ठीक कर ही दिया. जैसे की W .H .Auden ने भी कहा है,
Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.
If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.
There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.
The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.
Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.
Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.
अब आज मैं इसलिए निराश हूँ की एक तो नौकरी नहीं लग रही, दूसरे जिससे बहुत पसंद किया उसे मैं पसंद नहीं, तीसरे लगता है की कोई ऐसा मित्र नहीं जिससे मैं सब कुछ कह पाऊँ. ये स्थिति कितनी मूर्खतापूर्ण है! नौकरी कैसे नहीं लगेगी? कहीं न कहीं को सब fit हो ही जाते हैं. मैं भी कुछ न कुछ कर ही लूँगा - चाहे अभी मुझे नहीं पता की कैसे करूंगा.
उसे मैं पसंद नहीं, कहा है ,”मुझे परेशान न करो!”. तो भाई जिसे ये लगता है की मैं उसे परेशान कर रहा हूँ, जो मेरी मुसीबत में मेरे साथ नहीं, जो मेरी अच्छाइयों की क़द्र नहीं करती, वो साला अगर मिल भी जाती है तो कौन बड़ी बात है? क्या ऐसे व्यक्ति के साथ मैं अपना जीवन बिताना पसंद करूंगा?
आखरी बात है की मुझे अकेलापन महसूस होता है. लेकिन अगर मैं ध्यान से याद करूँ तो पाऊँगा की हमेशा जीवन में एक न एक मित्र हमेशा रहा. बचपन में बबलू, कोटा मैं आंचलिया और आदित्य, engineering में नवू और RG , MBA में रूहानी, ICICI में परीक्षित और ऋतू, और अब US में परवल और फिर से आंचलिया. कोई न कोई हमेशा था जिसने ध्यान से सुना - गोलू या अदिति, आदित्य बीर या मिनाक्षी, आर्या या अवनीत कोई भी.
मन तो बावरा है, वो दुखी जाने क्यूँ होना चाहता है. जीवन सुखद है.. भगवन ने सब कुछ तो दिया है! माता पिता का प्यार, कुछ पैसे की कभी भूखा न रहूँ, कुछ दोस्त की कभी अकेला न रहूँ. इतना सब अगर अच्छा हुआ है तो कुछ अगर बुरा होता है तो ठीक है. अंत में Khalil Gibran की The Prophet की कुछ पंक्तियाँ..
“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.”
( The prophet by Kahlil Gibran, 1923)
After applying to the 82nd job in the past 25 days, I am a bit tired. So I have taken my laptop and am sitting opposite the campus church at Columbia University. I pondered if I should sit on the Low Library steps but then decided it was too crouded with people trying to catch the last minutes of the setting sun. Not that the church bench is bereft of humanity - There are a few people sitting opposite the greek revival portico on which is engraved, “In lumine Tuo videbimus lumen” or ” In your light shall we see the light”
Job hunting brings out different emotions in different people. Some are enthusiastic about it, like that class of 2007 for whom sky was the limit. Some are shit scared of it, like the class of 2008 for whom nadir was constantly going down. And some are like the class of 2011 - All of whom will get something or other, but they all seem to be discontent.
I feel I am a mixture of all the emotions, sometimes I am excited when I get a call, sometimes I am depressed when I dont even get an acknowledgement that I have applied, sometimes I doubt myself when I see an “Interview Status :Declined” email in my inbox. But more than all of these crests and troughs, it seems that life is losing its color.
Of late I have observed that my interests are waning. I do not find myself looking at trees or going on walks anymore. My amazement at finding architectural patterns is ebbing. Talking to people seems to be an exhausting activity, and paradoxically, being alone even more so. I dont find squirrels cute or dogs to be loving. I dont attend Indian Temple or Greek History courses as I used to. I just dont do anything. I look around and feel that I’m one of the millions of people who are just existing, not living.
And then there are ladies. ST writes letters that go into pages and I feel nothing about them. I think of writing a small paragraph to White Rabbit but I know it will meet the same fate. I look at ST and realize that she is exactly in the same situation as me and I feel bad for her. God knows when she’ll understand. God known when White Rabbit will understand. God knows when I’ll understand.
Its just sad. F*** it.
तुम तितली हो
इठलाती, बल खाती
मुझे बावरा कर मंडराती,
हे मेरी तुम,
तुम मेरे जीवन की रागिनी हो.
Boston , 13 जुलाई 2011
इधर कुछ दिनों से महसूस हो रहा है की धीरे धीरे भारत से दूर होता जा रहा हूँ और अमरीका के करीब. ये चीज़ पहले पाश्चात्य शहरों की खूबसूरती से शुरू हुई, लेकिन मालूम पड़ता है की अब ये tangible की जगह intangible बातों पर टिक रही है, और मुझे लगता है की ये तो खतरनाक है!
अगर मैं सड़कों पर फ़िदा हूँ, या अगर मैं नदियों और समुद्रतट पर वारा जाऊं, तो ठीक है. पेड़ और फूल कहीं भी खिल सकते हैं. इमारतें मुंबई और दिल्ली में खडी हो सकती हैं.
लेकिन अगर मैं अमरीकी जीवनशैली का कद्रदान बनता जाऊं, तो बड़ी भारी मुश्किल होगी. मुझे स्वतंत्रता अच्छी लगने लगी है, मुझे आदत होने लगी है की लोग मुझसे अच्छी तरह से बात करेंगे. मैं भूलने लगा हूँ की किसी समय मैं ऐसी जगह था जहाँ corruption , भीड़ भाड़ और इंसानी जीवन की क्षणभंगुरता सदैव उपस्थित - सदा स्वीकृत सत्य थे.
मुझे लगता है की मैं “धोबी का कुत्ता - न घर का, न घाट का” वाले पथ पर अग्रसर हूँ….
बुझा बुझा सा है,
मेरा रंगीन बगीचा.
मानो लाल पीला नीला,
Daisy और hydangea ,
सब बदल गए मुरझाए सफ़ेद में.
तुम आओ,
मुस्काओ,
बगीचे में रंग भर दो.
हे मेरी तुम,
अपने रस से,
मुझे फिर से जीवित कर दो..
- 4 जुलाई 2011 , boston
10) You stop completing your linkedin profile and start worrying about xyzmatrimony.com
9) While taking a picture you start thinking of making it a abcmatrimony profile pic rather than a FB profile pic.
You start noticing people’s surnames - something you never did in the past 27 years of your life.
7) You realize that now in addition to preparing, “Why do you want this job?” you also have to prepare, “What do I expect from my life partner?”
6) The girl who sits in the next cabin starts looking OK to you.
5) (Almost) Every ‘correct age’ unmarried women starts being judged from a is-she-ok-for-me point of view
4) You start realizing that all your ex-girlfriends weren’t that bad after all.
3) You moods begin alternating between being S*** scared and irrational exuberance(and I dont mean that in an Alan Greenspanish way)
2) Every time your mom calls up, you feel the consternation that she’ll either mention a new ‘rishtaa’ or ask, “Bhaiyyu, did you find someone on xyzmatrimony?”
1) You are undecided that which of the above 9 points should be ranked numero uno, for all of them are as weird and as true as it gets.
रुक जाता है New York ,
ठहर जातें हैं चलते कदम,
चुप हो जाती है सभी सडकें,
उन चंद लम्हों के लिए,
जब तुम मेरी किसी बात पर,
शर्माती हो…
8 जून २०११, Boston
New York stops.
footsteps stop,
and the streets turn silent,
for those few moments
When while listening to me,
you blush.
What is money worth? How important is it to other and how important is it to me?
Interestingly enough, the answers to the above questions have started to become more clear to me. Money is worth only what you think it worth, and thus its importance differs from person to person. While this may seem a banal truth to the reader, I think the appreciation of this fact is invaluable to me.
About two years back, on a chilly December night in Delhi, I took an Auto from Katwaria Sarai to AIIMS. After the standard negotiation I observed that the auto driver was a bit different. He looked different from others and he behaved differently from others, even while negotiating for fare. So I asked this 50 year old, “who are you? You were not always an auto driverit seems!”. And then this guy said, ” I was an industrialist and I had three houses and 5 cars. I had bad luck and I lost everything. Now since an year I’m driving an auto.” This was very weird! I then asked him, ” Are you not sad and discouraged with life?” and he replied, “No, God had given me good days and god has given me bad days as well”.
—-
2 weeks back, McKinsey sponsored a symposium in Boston. of the 5000 odd resumes that they received, they selected 50 people to come. I was one of those 50. I boarded Acela Express, and McKinsey paid the $230 round ticket from NYC -Boston. I attended a party in the evening where I could have one the most expensive wines of the world. At night I was in one of the best rooms of Ritz-Carlton that overlooked Boston Common. Next Morning, after the expensive wines, king-type bath and a 5 star stay, I looked outside and thought - where has life taken me today! Where was I 25 years back in my village where we used to get electricity only 10 hours a day? How was my first school where i took classes under open sky because the roof wasn’t ready! How I used to travel in sleeper class trains for 18 hours before reaching home, sometimes sitting on the ground because I had no reservation! And how I am here today! How I went to London! How I came to Columbia University….. and most importantly where I may be tomorrow?
What is wealth? It comes and goes. What is money? it is here today, and not there tomorrow. Life & luck are so fickle minded that it is pointless to associate our happiness with money. I am thankful to Lord that he giveth me this newfound wealth, but I remain cautious of growing too attached to it.Of course I need money to feed myself and my family, to live a decent lifestyle and to take care of my family’s health. But beyond that, its plain useless to me.
—
साईं इतना दीजिये, जा मे कुटुम समाय ।
मैं भी भूखा न रहूँ, साधु ना भूखा जाय ॥
नहीं आयीं तुम,
She surrenders to him, completely,
letting guards down,
( not wanting to let survival skills kick in)
listening to Simon and Garfunkel,
preach about the subway Gods
A part time job does not mean that you save some money. It only means that that you spend more without feeling guilty.
In my Greek Architecture class, prof showed a sample whose size was 10 metres. When asked how many feet, he was confused (He is Greek). When no one could figure how much is that after about 30 seconds I said “33 Feet”. Professor was impressed
In my Stochastic Calculus class, when I asked why dont we take the third order derivatives of Brownian Motion, the professor gave me the “What - a - dork - he - doesnt- even - know - that” look
In my Time Series class, the prof showed us 3 graphs, whose x axis and y axis were not labelled. He said , ” to anyone who can identify even one graph, a drink is due”. I guessed two ( including one which was the brightness magnitude of a double star system over 300 years). And yet I did not get a drink.
My first midterm was OKish. I made some silly mistakes. Forgetting the calculator at home was not a mistake, it was a catastrophe.
My part time job involves taking notes and forwarding phone calls to concerned people. I sort of miss ICICI
The punishment for plagiarizing is suspension. If you are caught cheating for the second time, you are sent back to your country. Needless to say one can never come back.
US is amazingly rich. Even after staying here for 3 months, I still think that’s true. Yes, you can find beggars here. Yes you can find homeless people here. But for every one of them, you also see 10 coffee makers thrown in the garbage because it is discolored or 20 chairs on the street because their handle is loose. Or a wooden chest in the garbage because one drawer is squeaky. Very few people repair stuff, its all just thrown away.
यह जगह वही है
जहां कभी मैंने जन्म लिया होगा
इस जन्म से पहले
यह मौसम वही है
जिसमें कभी मैंने प्यार किया होगा
इस प्यार से पहले
यह समय वही है
जिसमें मैं बीत चुका हूँ कभी
इस समय से पहले
वहीं कहीं ठहरी रह गयी है एक कविता
जहां हमने वादा किया था कि फिर मिलेंगे
ये शब्द वही हैं
जिनमें कभी मैंने जिया होगा एक अधूरा जीवन
इस जीवन से पहले।
This poem by Kunwar Narayan has been taken from Kavitakosh. It talks about the ambitions of a man, who probably being bored of his mediocre life, wants to start anew, afresh. Reminds me of my days at I Bank. The poem uses simple language and alludes to a meager paycheck being the be all and end all of one’s worth.
मैं इस्तीफा देता हूं
व्यापार से
परिवार से
सरकार से
मैं अस्वीकार करता हूं
रिआयती दरों पर
आसान किश्तों में
अपना भुगतान
मैं सीखना चाहता हूं
फिर से जीना…
बच्चों की तरह बढ़ना
घुटनों के बल चलना
अपने पैरों पर खड़े होना
और अंतिम बार
लड़खड़ा कर गिरने से पहले
मैं कामयाब होना चाहता हूं
फिर एक बार
जीने में
The mercury has been dropping on a daily basis here and it seems that pretty soon I’ll be exposed to the infamous NY cold. It is 9′C today and over the weekend the low may reach 7′C. Funnily I am getting used to “F and dont feel intimidated by something that reads 62/44 ( 17/07)
Another thing that I realised this week was that everyone keeps bumping into me. It happened thrice on Sunday and finally I understood (although pretty late) that I’m the one who’s walking on the wrong side. I’m used to walking on the left of a stairway/road and like driving, that’s opposite in US. It’s a conscious effort to correct myself these days.
Last Friday on a whim, me and my friend decided to walk from our house to Times Square, and back. It was a 16 KM (10 miles) walk that took us 4 hours. We crossed 170 streets and three avenues. Columbia has this wonderful program of giving discounted movie tickets at $6.50 instead of the regular $13. These tickets have no expiry date and are valid throughout the US. Making use of this opportunity, we saw “Social Network” a movie about facebook. This movie hall (AMC) is located near the 42nd street Subway station, and the subway lines pass under the movie hall. As a result, every 5 minutes or so there was a 10 second vibration period. Amusing at first but irritating later on.
As a classic case of stumbling upon happiness, I was offered three part time jobs at the same time this week. I’m not very keen on working too much as I’d rather focus my energy on other things, but having sid that working for 10 hours per week isnt that bad an idea. I was offered a job at Engg Library, at the International Affair library and at the Dean Student Affairs’ office. Library was offering me $ 9 an hour. At the Dean’s office the lady who interviewed me said, ” We normally pay $10 - 12 per hour, but since you’re a CFA, we’ll give you $14 an hour.” This was the first time CFA was of some monetary use to me :). She pressed me to work 15 hours a week but I accepted 10, which turns out to about $ 550 a month.
My courses are getting more and more difficult with every passing class. Midterms are due next week and I dont see myself free for at least a week now.
That’s pretty much it.
( I am writing this post in a hurry, so the language may contain many flaws)
This week was notable for three things:
1) I took two long walks in the city. The first was from 9th street to 90th street, and across 4 Avenues. That would be roughly 10 KMs, which was quite long by my standards! It was a beautiful day and I walked almost half of this big Island with my brother who was visiting me from Washington. Me and Golu saw all the beautiful buildings, and explored all the nooks and corners in our way. So, e.g, we now know where can you find the cheapest I love NY shirts here! Golu also took me to a very good coffee shop at 9th Street, where the to-go coffee was really nice!
My second escapade was yesterday when I walked the length of Riverside Park.. About 60 streets and then crossed the Central Park to the MET museum. About 7 Kms in total. Riverside Park is, well, on the river. It starts right behind my house and I had the opportunity to see the sun settle across the river. A very nice evening indeed. By the time I reached the museum, it was closed. And for the first time I observed the magnitude of that huge building , being made only more colossal by the lack of thronging crowds .
2) While coming back from my second walk, I was noticing the price of a haircut - from $13 to $ 20 - in different barber shops. I briefly toyed with the idea of giving myself a haircut, but then realised that my life’s worth is more than $20. Anyways, I located a saloon at 96th street for $12. Overcoming the idea of spending Rs 600 on a haircut is a major roadblock away for me now!
BTW barbers everywhere are the same. They are quiet a chatterbox. This one, someone from Uzbekistan, was no different. He spoke at length about the Indian movies he saw in the USSR days, and asked my opinions on them. He did not pay much attention that I was more interested in talking about Samarkand instead. Anyways, I emerged
a more decent looking person &
much more knowledgeable about bollywood ; from this adventure
3) We have to study a subject known as “Stochastic calculus” . It is considered to be difficult and deals with the Probabilities and Mathematical Inferences. While doing some homework on something known as ” Wald’s Equations” , I got curious about this equation and googled the term. As it turns out, Abraham Wald
This was a hectic week. My workload has suddenly taken a quantum leap and I’m literally hitting the books and computer keys for the most part of my days. Interestingly I have classes only on Tuesday and Wednesday, but the HW is just too much to do. A key differentiator of US education is the depth it provides Vs the breadth of Indian Education. And this suits me fine. I am a jack of all trades and master of none. I hope after 3 semesters I am still a jack of all trades and master of one.
On a more concrete note, this week I learnt how to identify American trees by looking at their leaf. I walk to college every day and while coming back collect leaves of 2 or 3 trees. then at home I look and identify them on the net. I now know that we have Pin leaf oaks, Sugar Maple, Red Maple, Ginkgo and other trees in and around the university. This is really fascinating! When I went to Houston I saw a fossil imprint of Ginkgo leaf next to a bird’s remains, and it so turns out that this tree is among the oldest surviving species of trees in the world. It sort of amazes me that how some things are permanent in this ever changing life of ours.My roomies have declared me a weirdo for collecting leaves although They are eagerly awaiting Fall when our house would be leaf-free.
In Architecture , I spent some more time on understanding “Beaux-Arts”, one of the prominent architectural styles in New York. My house was itself made in Beaux Arts (1905) and has the defining features of this era - Gibbs Surround, Egg and Dart Motifs, rusticated first floor, a Cartouche under the front door, neo-classical pilasters etc. I’m really fortunate to be staying in a house that is made in a particular architectural order. On a person note, I find cities that have an order appealing to me. India has a lot to learn from the western world on the urban planning.
By the way, I stay opposite to the “Manhattan School of Music” at Claremont Avenue. This is considered to be a prestigious institution and many of the performers - teachers and students - live in my building. It is not uncommon to hear a piano playing Beethoven or Mozart on a lazy Sunday afternoon. While I’m deeply immersed in Markov Chains and other arcane mathematical fundas, this comes like a breeze to me.
This week also saw my birthday. A number of people wished my by email/phone/Facebook and I’m thankful to them. I did not imagine that my roomies would have any idea of my b’day and went off to sleep, but these guys woke me up at 12. And with them were 10 more classmates who live nearby. Really nice of them. We cut a cake and ate some other stuff. But otherwise my b’day was quite drab. I had to study for 16 hours, I did not have people whom I could say, “let me treat you”. The day was spent in coding MATLAB programs that didn’t work. So on and so forth. However, at 3 in the night, when I was just about to call quits to the sad day, my computer program finally executed and I was really happy that something good came out of it. Also, the next morning I found a parcel from India that had a B’day card and two coupons of the Haagen-Dazs ice creams, the ones I’ve always thought of eating here. This made my day!
Today was an Indian fresher party. I went there for the sole purpose of having food, so I wouldn’t have to cook. (I had tons of assignments to do). It was pretty boring till dinner time. But after that they thought of starting the music and it was really fun. I think letting your hair down once a while isn’t that bad an idea.
My days are getting more and more hectic. There’s just toooo much stuff to do, too much to read and too much to code. I have to study at least 12 hours per day including weekends. Strangely I’m enjoying it till now. I hope my interest persists.
Fate or life is like the moon. जब चीज़ें बुरी चल रही तो होती हैं, तो वो बद से बदतर होती जाती हैं . जब अच्छी चलती है तो अच्छी से और बेहतर होती जाती हैं. चंद्रमा की तरह. और ये चक्र चलता जाता है. अच्छा - बहुत अच्छा - बुरा - बहुत बुरा - अच्छा.
मूर्ख हो तुम यदि सोचते हो की बुरी चीज़ें अच्छी चीज़ों के विपरीत समाप्त नहीं होंगी.
और विद्वान हो जो अगर इस बात को समझ कर न सुख में सुखी हो न दुःख में दुखी.
और जब तुम विद्वान् बन जाते हो, तो तुम्हे समझ आता है की गीता ये क्यूँ कहती है की ” कर्मन्यावाधिकरास्ते, माँ फलेषु कदाचन ”
और जब तुम्हे गीता सार समझ आ जाता है तो तुम बुरे - अच्छे से ऊपर उठ जाते हो. जैसा की Nietzche कहता है … तुम “Beyond good and evil” बन जाते हो.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
–Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan, 1892, Act III
(Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900) )
आज कैसा ऊंचा और नीचा दिन निकला! सुबह bank का collections कैसे काम करता है, ये देखने निकल पड़ा. Auto से गया. ऑटो वाले से मैंने ठीक से बात की. जब उतर के पैसे दिए तो उसने कहा, “Sir, आप असली Gentleman हैं. ” मुझे ये ये बहुत अच्छा compliment लगा. एक अरसा हुआ जब किसी ने बिना किसी छुपी आकांक्षा के कुछ अच्छा कहा मेरे बारे में.
फिर collection agent के साथ निकल पड़ा. ये ऐसे लोग थे जिन्होंने 2 साल से पैसा नहीं दिया था. कुछ तो साफ़ बेईमान दिखे , कुछ बेचारे शरीफ भी थे. एक पान वाले एक पास गया जिससे पता चला की उसे फसाया हुआ है किसी ने. बेचारे के ऊपर कानूनी केस भी लगा दिया है ICICI ने ! दू:खी प्राणी ने पहले तो अपना मामला साफ़ किया फिर मेरे को cold drink भी पिलाई, मुफ़्त में. मैंने पुछा की भाई अगर तुमने लोन लिया ही नहीं था तो इतनी किश्त क्यूँ चुकी? वो बोला, ” सर दोस्त ने कहा था की बचा ले”. उसके अपने दोस्त ने उसे fraud केस में फसवा दिया और वो बेचारा उसी को बचाने चला है..
वापस आके दफ्तर में डांट पड़ी की मैंने काम नहीं किया है. मेरी कोई गलती नहीं लगी अपने को. पर कुछ कहा नहीं. Boss ने एक काम करने को कहा, मैंने कहा की सर ये काम दूसरी तरह से करना चाहिए. बॉस ने डांट दिया. मैंने अपनी बात समझाई जो आज field से सीख कर आया था, तो मान गए वो मेरी बात. मुझे अच्छा लगा की चलो आज इतनी मेहनत करने के बाद, कुछ तो ऐसा सीखा की discussion में अपना point defend कर सकूं.
वापस आ के देखा तो फिनलैंड की internship देने से मना कर दिया है. सोचा की कोई न, जीवन में अच्छी चीज़ें भी होती हैं और बुरी भी. आज दरवाज़ा बंद हुआ है, कल कोई और खुलेगा. भगवान् भी आखिर कितना काट सकता है मेरा?
और आखरी में साहब एक SMS आया जिसपे गौर फरमाएं - ” It is not the friend who should be perfect, it is the friendship that should be perfect” .. कितनी सही बात है , है न?
———
छिप-छिप अश्रु बहाने वालों, मोती व्यर्थ बहाने वालों
कुछ सपनों के मर जाने से, जीवन नहीं मरा करता है
— गोपालदास ‘नीरज’
बंद दरवाज़े,
आज खुले
एक अरसे बाद..
धूमिल हो गयी,
पर रेशमी परी,
की गुलाबी याद..
खुली तो आँखें,
पर क्या ही देखें,
‘साथ’ नहीं है साथ..
पुरानी बातें,
गुजरी रातें,
ख़त्म है उन्माद..
हम तो बोले,
वापस होलें,
काल कोठरी में पार्थ!
मोड़ते हुए, मुड़ते हुए;
तोड़ते हुए, टूटते हुए;
दनदनाते,
हम लोग,
आगे बढ़ते हुए..
This piece was written today morning when I was driving to my office. My first poem in present continuous
जब तुम वापस आ जाते हो वर्तमान में.मुंबई में.. और देखते हो की तुम्हारा मन कही लग नहीं रहा है, काम करने की इच्छा सी नहीं रह गयी है, और हर चीज़ बदसूरत प्रतीत हो रही है… तब तुम्हे मालूम पड़ता है की तुम्हारा शरीर तो मुंबई में है, लेकिन तुम्हारा मन Greenwich park , National Gallery, Oxford और Thames के किनारे रह गया है.
Before I forget, here’s what happened on 19 Nov 09:
Started with me going to Mr Joel Shapiro’s room on first floor. Mr Shapiro had just moved in and some of the boxes were still there. It was a very comfortable setting with me sitting opposite Mr Shapiro. The interview lasted for about 40 mins. It was 100% technical. No standard questions like Why MFE, Why Oxford Etc.
1) What’s your math background?
2) What is Baye’s theorm? ( Had forgotten this, could not answer)
3) How to solve a system of equations? Tell me 3 methods.
4) How to find the area under a curve for discrete points? How is this different from continuous functions?
5) How much Economics do you know? ( told him that I’ve cleared CFA level 3 )
6) Lets play a game. 2 firms produce same good, unconstrained supply, unconstrained demand. Rule is if one price is lower than second’s, all the demand will go to the lower one. Otherwise demand split in two. Is system in equilibrium?
7) What will happen to game at start?
how will it progress?
9) what will happen in end?
10) Can the firm earn profits?
11) How can they earn profits? ( told him abt differentiation)
12) how will differenciated goods work?
13) what if differentiated products work? lets say coke and pepsi?
14) How else can they earn profits? ( told him constrained supply)
15-17) how will game start, progress, end in constrained supply?
18) Lets play two period game. What will happen in two periods?
19) any questions ( I said no, had already asked them in the Open day)
I have not studied game theory, so I dont know if my answers were correct or incorrect. But I have a feel that it wasn’t very good interview from my side. That said, Mr Shapiro was great.
Buddy with Chivas
Perhaps even more difficult than the search for the Goly Grail, the search of El Dorado, The search of the fountain of Youth is the Question - “Why Buddy is Buddy and why no one can be like Buddy?”
For those of you who don’t know him, Buddy ( Parmeet Singh) is 25/M/Weird/Witty/Engineer/Doing-good-at-job. He was my classmate for 4 years in Punjab Engineering College, Chandigarh (PEC) For the First three years , I found him to be the most weird guy of 2002-06 Electrical Engineering. But in the fourth year my opinions did a volte-face. During a trip with him ( and the class) to Nathpa-Jhakri I realized he was smart, intelligent, funny and good at heart.
Buddy often does things I can not even imagine to do in my weirdest dream. He’s tired of Cities? Ok He’ll go to Chitwan and valley of flowers for 10 days. He’ll go on a trip to a forgotten hamlet in Maharashtra where he’ll only have coconuts and fishes. He is missing his parents? Ok, He’ll take them to pondicherry on a week’s notice. He’s feeling artistically challenged? Ok, he’ll learn the guitar.He’s feeling lonely? Ok, He’ll talk to every single man/woman/in-between in a bus in some obscure village of Thailand and will make them friends in 5 mins flat. A dog’s barking at him? Ok, He’ll go and pet it and give him a biscuit and within minutes buddy has found a new buddy.
Buddy is the only person who can visit each and every village of Kinnaur district and distribute sweets like a Santa Claus. Buddy is the only guy who’ll complete the half marathon of 21 KM Buddy , After only one day’s practice, In the most bizarre haircut possible, And with a peg of Chivas Regal in hand
Buddy is buddy and no one can be like buddy because we all are so engrossed in making our tomorrows better that we forget today. We all are like those rats who’ll starrve today to keep storing food for tomorrow. That tomorrow never comes. And we all remain rats.
We all are in pursuit of happiness…..While buddy is happy exactly because he’s not in pursuit of happiness .
Yay!!! I got an interview call again from the MFE program at Said Business School, Oxford University.
This time they have an open day scheduled on 19 Nov 09. It is a day when u can tour the campus, meet professors and students, and can even attend a dummy class. I plan to attend this open day function and will be flying over to Oxford only for this interview call.
Although my interview went very well last year, I was disappointed that I could not convert it. This time around I think attending the interview in person might make a difference. It will also give me a first hand experience of the place I want to go
BTW, Did I tell you that my Maternal Grandparents (post)graduated from Oxford in 1962? I’m very excited to be going to that place…
Lets hope the VISA falls in place now !
