Oh me!

We are so small between the stars & so large against the sky. and lost in subway croud, I try to catch your eye …..

Top 10 signs that you are activated on a matrimonial site

June22

10) You stop completing your linkedin profile and start worrying about xyzmatrimony.com

9) While taking a picture you start thinking of making it a abcmatrimony profile pic rather than a FB profile pic.

8) You start noticing people’s surnames – something you never did in the past 27 years of your life.

7) You realize that now in addition to preparing, “Why do you want this job?” you also have to prepare, “What do I expect from my life partner?”

6) The girl who sits in the next cabin starts looking OK to you.

5) (Almost) Every ‘correct age’ unmarried women starts being judged from a is-she-ok-for-me point of view

4) You start realizing that all your ex-girlfriends weren’t that bad after all.

3) You moods begin alternating between being S*** scared and irrational exuberance(and I dont mean that in an Alan Greenspanish way)

2) Every time your mom calls up, you feel the consternation that she’ll either mention a new ‘rishtaa’ or ask, “Bhaiyyu, did you find someone on xyzmatrimony?”

1) You are undecided that which of the above 9 points should be ranked numero uno, for all of them are as weird and as true as it gets.

hagar

Haiku

November9

When I plan to flirt ,
In NY’s Central Park
it never works
I
end up
making Haiku remarks.

What’s wrong if I install my own statues, asks Mayawati

March16

http://in.news.yahoo.com/43/20100315/818/tnl-what-s-wrong-if-i-install-my-own-sta.html

Lucknow, March 15 (IANS) Bahujan Samaj Party (BSP) supremo and Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati is unable to understand why she is under fire from various quarters for installing her own statues.

‘What’s wrong if I install my own statues together with those of my party icons whose contribution as great social reformers remained unrecognised for decades because of the sick caste bias of those who were in power?’ she asked the crowd which converged at her party rally here Monday.

The rally was organised to mark the party’s silver jubilee celebrations, and coincided with the 76th birth anniversary of party founder and her political mentor Kanshi Ram.

She said: ‘My critics often argue that it is inappropriate to install statues of a living person, but I wish to ask them if there is any law disallowing installation of statues of important personalities?’

‘Where is the law preventing official expenditure on statues of living personalities?’ she said, defending her actions of spending billions of rupees on statues and memorials.

‘Remember, what I have spent on memorials and statues was only one per cent of the state’s annual budget, but what I have built is going to be there for posterity.’

‘I firmly believe that those who are unable to create history are always pushed into oblivion. That is why it was important to leave such imprints that will stay for all times to come,’ Mayawati said.

News – Sparks fly as Baba takes on Swami in sex and spirituality debate

March16

http://in.news.yahoo.com/248/20100315/1582/tnl-sparks-fly-as-baba-takes-on-swami-in.html

” ..The opening session of the second day of the India Today Conclave 2010 did arouse the right degree of passion.

One was Baba Ramdev…The other was Swami Satya Vedant, chancellor of Osho Multiversity, Pune, who is carrying forward the legacy of his teacher, whose most famous – and least misunderstood – book is titled From Sex to Superconsciousness . India Today Group editorial director Prabhu Chawla, famous for his Seedhi Baat , moderated the session.
….

The two gurus seemed to be taking the same route, but the differences began to show up when Baba Ramdev held forth on his much-publicised stance on homosexuality. “I eat from my mouth, not my backside,” he said, referring to his stance that homosexuality was “against the order of nature”, adding that a few “literate idiots” had deliberately opted to misunderstand him”

Meow Mumbai!!

July9

“Meow Mumbai!! Welcome to the best radio station in Mumbai! Blah blah!! Blah blah! Contest …23456789….blah blah …Winner….blah blah..win…see movie…blah blah…23456789”
Moi dozes off to sleep in a auto playing a radio channel . We are stuck between a deluge of cars crawling on potholes, something that is alleged to be the Western Highway between Vile Parle and BKC. Amongst the blaring horns at 140 decibel, it’s miraculous that I can still hear the radio. (1st Note to self: Kudos to my excellent auditory nerve! Bravo!!)
Radio, “SO today we are playing the weirdest, sweetest Pet name contest at Meow Mumbai! If your Girlfriend calls you by an odd name, call us at 23456789 and win exxxxxiting prizes…blah blah..blah blah…win…contest…prize…23456789…blah blah”
“Oh! B*** C*** kya hero ban raha hai kya? M*C**** Doon kya kharcha paani?” My Friendly Auto driver says to his counterpart who tries to overtake our Ferrari.
Meanwhile the Radio goes on, “call us at 23456789 and tell us….Oh we already have a caller…Yes wat’s your name?”
Caller, “Hi I’m Jignesh!”
Radio, “Not Hello Jignesh, We say ‘Meow’ on our station! Is this your first call to our Meow Mumbai station?
Jignesh Bhai, “Uh, Yes…”
Radio, “Oh! This calls for a celebration!!”
(A jingle is played that starts off on a high pitch screech and finally ends with a meeeeooooowwww , meow)
Jignesh Bhai (getting emotional), “Oh that’s so sweet! So nice of you!!”
Yup, So sweet that even the amla chooran in my mouth feels like saccharine. What bullshit. (2nd Note to self: Get some more chooran from Ajmer before supplies run out)
Radio, “So what does your GF call you Jignesh Bhai?”
Jignesh Bhai, “She calls me dolly…”
Radio cutting off in mid sentence, “oh hahahaha that’s so funny, She calls you by a girl name,Hahahaha”
Me-> Snicker, Snicker (3rd note to self: Get those wonderful snicker chocolates)
Jignesh Bhai (adding emphatically), “no no, actually the real reason that I find it funny is bec…”
Radio interrupting again, “oh please tell us fast Jignesh, our meow Mumbaikars are all dying to hear the truth.”
Methinks how great it would be if the host of this show becomes pyara to allah.
Jignesh Bhai, “because even my dog’s name is Dolly. She finds it funny for some reason but my mom despises her for this”
Radio goes silent for five seconds. That would have cost them at least 20,000 in Advertising Revenues, I calculate. I also have time to calculate that my auto fare is increasing at quite an unusual rate. But that is quite usual in Mumbai.
Radio, “that’s the most funny thing I’ve heard hahahaha…. Keep us calling on 23456789 …blah blah…blah …prizes…contest…blah blah..23456789”
(Final Note to self: Buy an Ipod. It’s worth it)

posted under English, Humor | 1 Comment »

“The Art of saying Goodbye”

July9

♂ “Bye”
♀ “What’s that?”
♂ “Kya ‘what’s that?’”
♀ “I mean, that’s not the way to say goodbye!”
♂ “Really? Then what is?”
♀ “You first make a context, then taper off the conversation, and finally say ‘bye’ as a fitting finish”
♂ “Duh??”
♀ “Arre, look at me. I ask how’s the weather, then I talk about….”
♂ (Interrupting) “Hey wait a minute! We already discussed about the weather in Mumbai”
♀ (Gives me an exasperated sigh) “OK. So talk about a movie, about parents, about a collegue”
♂ “There is no interesting Hindi movie going on, nothing happens in my parents lives, My dog is too dumb to be talked about & you know how bad I am at gossiping about people”
♀ “your IQ might be 170, but your EQ is surely in single digit”
♂ “Umm… I don’t know”
♀ “You’re Stupid. Chow!”
♂ “that’s ‘Chow’ all right but that isn’t Ciao.”
♀ “what do u mean its chow but not chow”
♂ “I mean its C-I-A-O but pronounced as Chow, Italian you know”
♀ (blushes) “oh! hi hi …you know my spellings na”
♂ “by my superior IQ I have just calculated that this phone call has already costed you Rs 43 and if we didn’t have this last piece of conversation, you would have saved Rs 5..”
♀ “click”
(call ended)
♂ (To myself) “That’s the secret of the art of saying goodbye”

The Bike, the Train and the Dog.

May13

At precisely 3 in the night on 4th May 08, I kick-kick-kick-kick (…10times) started my bike to reach New Delhi Railway station by 4 in the morning. The objective was simple; I had made up my mind to leave Delhi for good and was carrying this last token of 200 Kgs to अजमेर . And inspired by the TV serial “Prison Break” I decided to take the motorcycle to अजमेर without the help of any agent and without giving even a rupee of bribe.
So I reached the station at 4 AM and was quite surprised to find it buzzing with activity even at that odd time. I had already come to this place a day before to know the formalities to be done for taking the bike along in शताब्दी Express. The first step was to get it packed so I thought to search for some worker on platform # 12. One accosted me even before I could start. He asked 150 Rs for the work. I’m not good at bargaining so told him 120 and not a paisa more. He was visibly excited by this offer and I got that feeling ki I-lost-in-this-bargain-game-even-though-I-won. Anyways, considering the odd time I thought कि चलता ही . This guy, a certain A K Jha from पटना बिहार , had done a good job and made my bike ready, along with a number place by 4 30 AM.
At almost the same moment, a Labrador also reached platform number 12. He was destined for Chandigarh and would travel by Chandigarh Shatabdi express. Now every parcel that goes in luggage van has to be packed and labeled. While I was lucky to find a porter who had the material (used clothes and boris) for my Pulsar, no one could find a suitable material for the dog, who looked a bit perplexed. So they decided to keep him free of shackles but a name plate was assigned to him which was promptly hung on his neck. My bike’s name plate read,” CH 03 Q 8770 Ajmer शताब्दी , from NDLS to AII” . His read, “HARDY, Dog, चंडीगढ़ Shatabdi, from NDLS to CHD”.
Anyways my train was supposed to leave at 6 10 Am. I was quite confident to catch my train in time and it seemed that Hardy’s assistant was sure too. I’m not very sure if Hardy had a understanding of the events, but that’s a different matter.
So we were supposed to meet a certain ‘Babu’ to get our parcels ( read bike and dog) registered. In the parcel office they directed us to go to platform 13’s end point to meet the babu. We were assured that in a jiffy our work shall be done. So happily I set out for the labyrinth of platforms to meet a certain Mr उपेन्द्र बाबु . Hardy and his assistant were also in the same boat. The three of us (and my bike as well) made our way to the end of the maze only to find another बाबु sleeping. He directed us back to the parcel office as Mr उपेन्द्र had still not arrived, so what if it was 5 15 Am and he was supposed to be here by 4 15. I cursed the system and went back in the Labyrinth. We found Mr. उपेन्द्र at the parcel office and requested him to please book the parcels – Pulsar and Hardy the dog.
Hardy was not in a good mod after an early morning walk of 5 Kms. Even I was not in a good mood because of the same reason. While Hardy was looking at the hullabaloo at station with big sad eyes, I was looking at Mr. Upendra with my 4 eyes. Upendra asked me to fill up a form which I promptly did. He pointed out some mistakes which I corrected. He again pointed mistakes, I again rectified them. This went on some more times. By the time he was done with finding mistakes, it was 5 45 Am and my pocket was lighter by 495 Rs. I really really wished that if Hardy bit him now; how great it would be. After having this sadistic early morning dream I realized that my train was to leave in 20 minutes.
In the meantime Hardy was supposed to be weighted. His assistant took him to a weighing machine. Since we were now at the platform, only a coin operated one was available. Hardy was made to sit on it. It was ensured that all four paws were on the weighing scale. The Machine made a lot of ruckus that startled Hardy who tried to flee. But you know, no one could escape Mr Upendra’s पारखी eyes (Big brother is watching you). He made hardy sit straight on the scale and took his weight again. The weight ticket had 35 Kg printed on one side and मल्लिका शेरावत ’s 100 DPI low quality Image on the other side. I’m not sure which side of the ticket made Mr. Upendra smile. Anyways all said and done, I and Hardy departed our separate ways.
And in case you wondered, neither Hardy’s assistant or I, paid any bribes J
“Packing the bike – 120 RS
Parcel Wage — 495 RS
Waking 3 in the morning + walking 5 kms on station with a bike + meeting Hardy – Priceless
There are some things money can’t buy, for others MasterCard certainly won’t work at the New Delhi Railway Station”

posted under English, Humor | 3 Comments »

My first Post

November22

Decadence is setting in. My ideas & ethics are dying and am everyday getting more and more materialistic.

A number of thoghts cross my mind everyday. This is an attempt to word my emotions on a gamut of things.

If you’re here to find some fun stuff, you’ll be dissapointed. This is meant to be more of a chronicle rather than an intellectual/entertainment portal!

However, if you’re here to see what have i been up to; you’re more than welcome.

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