Apparently God wants to communicate with me.

And he is doing it by singing.

Listen, Rejoice.

(This post will be continuously updated. )

Next 5 courtesy D. Y.

4 May - Sinnerman remix - nina simone - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_raonMRuT54

April 11 - The chemical Brothers’ soundtrack for Hanna . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb6ZuyPSxhM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRQY0Si3dBo&feature=related

24 Feb : - Take it all by Adele

14 Nov : - Feeling Good by Nina SImone.

14 Nov - Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

Nov: Lets Fall in Love by Ella Fitzgerald

Nov: Still crazy after all these years by Paul SImon

2011: We’ve got more bounce in California : Soul Kid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO_hfc3ceu4

2009 :- Under The Bridge - RHCP

2008 :- Rockstar - Nickleback

2008:- आओगे जब तुम साजना - उस्ताद रशीद खान
ओ हमदम सुनियो रे. …साथिया
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green देस
Wonderwall - Oasis
फिर छिड़ी रात बात फूलों की — तलत अज़ीज़ (बाज़ार) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meif1oIfJ5o

फ़ज़ा भी है जवाँ जवाँ   - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8eCqj6Bg7o
न जाओ सैय्याँ, छुड़ा के बैय्याँ  - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7sADAXyI-M

A beautiful poem on ending relationships/ divorce by Govind mathur. This has been taken from Kavitakosh. This poem and the collection) got the poet Rajasthan Sahitya Academy award in 1986.

A simple poem, but very deep. Mr Mathur blogs at http://www.govind-mathur.blogspot.com/

इस तरीके से नही
पहले हमें
सहज होना होगा
किसी तनाव में
टूटने से बेहतर है
धीरे-धीरे
अज्ञात दिशाओं में
गुम हो जाएँ

हमारे सम्बन्ध
कच्ची बर्फ से नही
कि हथेलियों में
उठाते ही पिघल जाएँ
आख़िर हमने
एक-दूसरे की
गर्माहट महसूस की है

इतने दिनों तक
तुमने और मैंने
चौराहे पर खड़े हो कर
अपने अस्तित्व को
बनाए रखा है
ये ठीक है कि
हमें गुम भी
इस ही
चौराहे से होना है

पर इस तरीके से नही
पहले हमें
मासूम होना होगा
उतना ही मासूम
जितना हम
एक दूसरे से
मिलने के पूर्व थे

पहले मैं या तुम
कोई भी
एक आरोप लगाएंगे
न समझ पाने का
तुम्हें या मुझे
और फिर
महसूस करेगें
उपेक्षा
अपनी-अपनी

कितना आसान होगा
हमारा अलग हो जाना
जब हम
किसी उदास शाम को
चौराहे पर मौन खड़े होंगे

और फिर जब
तुम्हारे और मेरे बीच
संवाद टूट जएगा
कभी तुम चौराहे पर
अकेले खड़े होगें
और कभी मैं

फिर धीरे-धीरे
हमें एक दूसरे की
प्रतीक्षा नही होगी
कितना सहज होगा
हमारा अजनबी हो जाना
जब हम सड़कों और गलियों में
एक दूसरे को देख कर
मुस्करा भर देंगे
या हमारा हाथ
एक औपचारिकता में
उठ जाया करेगा

हाँ हमें
इतनी जल्दी भी क्या है
ये सब
सहज ही हो जाएगा
फिर हमें
बीती बातों के नाम पर
यदि याद रहेगा तो
सिर्फ़
एक-दूसरे का नाम

After spending countless hours preparing Cover Letters, Resumes and networking, I finally found a job last week. It took me 4 months, 174 applications and countless hours before I found a job that I was really excited about. Over the past 14 months, I constantly asked seniors, alumni and mentors the question - How can I find a job in these choppy markets? When every institution is in firing mode, how do I as an international student differentiate myself?

I’m writing this post to summarize what I learnt. I hope the reader ( perhaps a Columbia University IEOR Grad student like me) benefits and adds his/her observations along. I did not do all these things, at some of them I failed miserably. But a wise person is one who learns from others mistake.

Before Starting College

1) Your job hunt does not starts 1 semester before graduation. It starts from the day that you get your college admit letter. You should have only 3 focus areas in college. a) Learn (study) as much as possible b) Enjoy your college life in a responsible way and c) never forget the end result of education - a dream job.

2) When you arrive in college, You should already have the first draft of your resume ready. You should have ideally spent atleast 20 hours on making your resume. The only thing that should change is the top line of education heading, where you decide your courses and put relevant courses,

3) You should read every page of your university’s career website. For Columbia University, it would mean that you have read everything at http://www.careereducation.columbia.edu/resources/

4) Make a Linkedin Profile. Your goal should be to have 500+ connections before your last semester.

The First Semester

5) Arrive in US one month before course starts. Give yourself sufficient time to find an apartment and to acclimatize with the new culture. Contact seniors. Get all stupid things like phone, housing, food etc sorted out so that you waste minimal time thinking about them once school starts.

6) Talk to seniors and alumni before selecting courses. Although you should select courses that you like, keep in mind that certain classes are very important for jobs. For example, Security Pricing is a must if you want to be in finance.

7) Dont bite more than what you can chew. Select at least one ‘easy’ class each semester to maintain a decent GPA.

8) in light of points 6 and 7 above, Talk to your advisor ( or better still Jenny Mak in IEOR department ) before settling on a course,

9) Once college starts, You’ll be always short of time. For the first month, try to participate in everything possible. After first month, concentrate on a few things that suit your interest. Don’t compromise on studies for extra-curricular work. The only thing that may take a upper hand is interviewing where even if you have to miss classes, its ok.

10) GPA is not absolute. There are “bands” of GPA. below 3.0 you are pretty much screwed. 3.0 - 3.3 is just ok. 3.3 - 3.5 is average. 3.5 - 3.8 is good. 3.8 to 4.0 is very good. 4.0 + is excellent. The positive impact of a 4.0+ GPA is very high, just like the negative impact of a 3.0 and lesser GPA. That said, a higher GPA is always better

11) Sometime after the mid-sems, start applying for Spring and Summer Internships. I suggest you concentrate on CCE and IEOR job postings for the start. I ask you to wait till mid sems so that you can make some sense of job postings’ work description. This way, u’ll come across as a smart applicant who knows what he/she is talking about in cover letter.

12) A spring internship will mean that a) Your free time will disappear completely b) You’ll have to compromise on your social life c) You’ll have to work extra hard for grades d) you’ll miss out on some required extra-curricular activities. The good thing is that you’ll add a US work experience on your resume which will help you find a summer internship as well as a full time job.

Winter Break

13) Take 3-4 days off after the hectic first semester. Then, get down to work. The two odd weeks should be used to remedy your coding and math skills. I suggest you pick up 1 language - VBA or C++ preferably, otherwise MATLAB and try to code as much as possible. Make a schedule so you don’t waste time in spring semester to learn these things. ( I regret that I did not do this - big mistake)

14) Go to various companies website and note the deadline for summer internships. Make an excel sheet where you note the designation, deadline, and required documents. Mark your calendar so you don’t miss any stuff.

15) Good time to go to Linkedin ans see where your school alumni are working. On the excel sheet in point 14, make another column for people you should contact about jobs details in the specific company. EG. “UBS - ER Intern - 12 Jan 2012 - resume/CoverLetter - Contact Mr XYZ of MSOR 2004 to know more”

Second Semester.

This section assumes you have a GPA of 3.4+

16) This is when you’ll learn the most. There are amazing courses available in this semester. Asset Allocation, Term Structure, Volatility smile, Security Pricing, Application Programming etc are all good courses. You should try to audit as many courses in the first two weeks as possible. Remember, what you choose to learn in this semester will modify your job hunt in a major way.

17) If you are not interning this semester, study very very hard. Don’t limit yourself to 3 hard, 1 easy course rule. Take all those subjects where you think u’ll learn the most. In addition, audit another subject if you so wish. Crux - this semester forms the bulk of your knowledge base for any job you will do. Think of this semester as on-job training.

18) The only other objective in Spring semester is to find a Summer Internship. Be ready to apply to 50, 100 or even 150 places. Your objectives in the internship should be - firstly Brand Name, Secondly job content and thirdly Money. . Don’t feel bad if you are not earning as much as some others in summer internship. Brand Name and job content are far more important in long run.

19) Again, CCE and IEOR postings are my preferred way of searching for jobs. Others say that websites like internship dot com, monster dot com and efinancial careers are also good. But as you will observe, you’ll get around 200 - 500 job postings for relevant internships. For me, that was more than enough.

20) Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get an internship by April. People got internships as late as June. In the end, about 70% of my (known) classmates of MSOR ‘2011 had internships. Some unpaid, some paid. Mostly paid between $9 and $43 per hour.

21) The best way to find internship/jobs , apart from CCE, is networking.

Summer Internship

I’ll post another article here mentioning what you can do to maximize your benefits from Summer Internship.

The Last Semester

22) Try to have a light courseload in your last semester because you want to focus all your energy on job hunting.

23) Right after summer internship, make at-least 4-5 types of cover letters. Rework your resume. Have 3-4 types of resumes ready as well.

24) These cover Letters and resumes should not be longer than 1 page each. They should be easy to read and be specific to major types of job roles that you are planing to apply to. For example, in finance they can be one each for Equity Research, Portfolio Management, Credit Risk, Market Risk, Aset Allocation, Quant Research, Quant Trading, Technical (coding), Structured Finance etc. Bring out your different qualities as needed in each job. For Example, Equity Research should focus on your ” seeing the big picture” trait while Quant Trading should focus on ” Quick mathematical mind”.

25) Get your Cover letters and Resumes reviewed by someone in CCE.

26) For heaven’s sake, make sure you are addressing the correct company/person/job in your cover letter. Dont be stupid to send one cover letter to another company. ( I did this and I truly regretted it)

27) Not all jobs in CCE will be for Grad students. Some of them will only be for undergrads or postdocs. For these posting, go to the website directly and apply.

28) Not all jobs will be open to International Students. Don’t waste your time for jobs that require US Citizenship !!

29) My personal experience with job fairs is that they are useless if you haven’t researched the company and roles before visiting the fair. If you go there, the only way u can separate yourself from 100’s of people is when you ask quesntions like, “So I saw your profile at website and you mention that you need so-and-so. I have this-and-this and am good at such-and-such. Do you think I’ll fit in/ can you enlighten me abt this/ can i speak to someone in your this department/ I met XYZ and really liked the role, can you tell me what differentiates a good candiate from others?” etc. Moot point is - don’t sound dumb and ask stupid qns which amazingly enough, 90% of people do.

30) Don’t loose heart if you are rejected! Everyone who got a job amongst my friends received at least 40-50 rejects. Some people like me received 174 rejects. You’re not the first one who’ll receive a reject nor the last one. There will be times when you’ll just not know why u didnt get a interview call, when you clearly were the best. Instead of pondering too much over it, move on.

31) In light of point 30 above, if you are tired of job hunt, take a break, for as long as a week. Leave some applications. Its ok to miss a few deadlines. Don’t take it too hard on yourself. I suggest after every 30 applications, you take two days off and do no job hunting.

32) If everything fails, mobilize your networks and LinkedIn to full force. If you have been diligent, you would have already spoken to a number of people over the past 15 months, and now is the time ( on your 3-4th interaction) to very tactically ask, “is there any job that you know of? “. Please note that you’ll need to raise this topic very sensitively with your networks, I’ll write another post on this topic sometime.

33) If you have done all the above things, the only thing that can stop you from getting a job is your poor luck. And if that happens, remember what happens, happens for the best. Have faith in the Lord for He who creates is He who feeds.

I had to wait, as usual, for Kaushik to get ready for dinner. So in the 30 odd minutes of waiting for his highness to ’suit up’, Mittal and me did some rudimentary analysis on the job statistics of MSOR / EMS class of 2011. Here’s the results

First the disclaimers : We only surveyed people whom we interact with and took into account facts known among friends. There may have been job offers that were not disclosed. Also, the sample size is 31 while the class size is perhaps 200. We did not consider any visa restrictions and our facts may be horribly wrong. Most importantly, The course has not even finished and people still have 1 month of course + 2 months of grace period + 3 months of OPT = 6 months more to search for a job offer. It is highly likely that (almost) everyone will get a job in the next 6 months. It is certain that the next round of great jobs will come from freshers ( first quarter of 2012 )

Now the results:

Sample size = 31
Of which Indian citizens = 31
People with job offers = 15 ( 48.4%)
People with job offers who are happy with status quo ( no more job huntng) = 8 ( 25.8% of sample size)
People with Work Experience = 19
…. of which who got offers = 12.
=> 63 % of work ex junta got offers as of December 2, 2011

People without Work Experience = 12
…. of which who got offers = 03.
=> 25 % of freshers got offers as of December 2, 2011

Number of people who had a summer internship = 24
…. Of which got offers = 13

=> internship considerably inreases your chance to get an offer.

Sample list of companies: AmEx, PwC, E&Y, Thomson Reuters, Goldman Sachs, Nomura etc.
Sample Designations: Analyst, Senior Analyst, Associate, Consultant, Sr. Consultant

Notes:

1) Work experience is defined as anyone who has more than 12 months of work experience in any field.
2) Only relies on publicly available information
3) Salary disclosure is rare, so no statistics are available.

a) If you like someone, there is a good chance he/she will like you too
b) If you hate someone, it is certain that he/she will hate you.

But!

c) If you love someone, there is no guarantee that the favor will be returned.

To take an interview is not a trivial task. You have to go through 500 of resumes to select the top 10 candidates, and after asking the same questions again and again over a long day, things may start to get boring. I understand (and forgive it) if an interviewer loses interest in the interviewee after some questions - and I think its natural to be non-focused when you know this isn’t going to work. What I don’t pardon is when an interviewer tells a candidate, directly or indirectly, that the candidate is stupid/useless/incompetent.

The best interviewers make the candidate comfortable. They make objective judgments of suitability - and they may select or reject you - but they by no means make you feel stupid. A good case here was my Societe Generale Interview early this year. Two people, Alejandro Cuadrado and Henri Palacci took my interview on the super day. They both came to conclusions that I wasn’t the best candidate - however the manner in which they conducted the interviews was so good that I felt nice about the interview, inspite of being rejected. MathWorks is another great company when it comes to conducting an interview.

and then there are people like the one mentioned here. Even if I was selected for this interview, I wouldnt join this team because this is not the culture where I see myself fit. I had a similar experience at a very big firm, which incidentally is in the news for very wrong reasons . The interview didn’t went well, but the conduct of interviewer left such a sour aftertaste that I seriously doubt if I would ever work for this particular team

No one says select a undeserving candidate - that is professionally wrong. Certainly take the best candidate. But don’t mock someone who is not qualified. Don’t ridicule a candidate - we all are unsuitable for some job or another.

What goes around comes around for sure.

I often think, had I only said this - or more often, Not said that - I would have cleared the interview. But then I think, what’s the point of getting a job through deceit? Why should I start a career on foundations weak?

Lord, give me the job that I deserve, not the one I lust after.

Nov 1, 2011 marked the 100,000th ‘hit’ at www.bhaiyyu.com Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who came on this website. I had not imagined at the time of recording my thoughts that it will become this popular on the net. “Hindi Poem on Nature” search lists my website as the number 1 result, which I think is quite awesome :)

Quick facts:

Website traffic is concentrated from India and US. However, people have visited the site from Mongolia to Guinea.

On an average I get about 150 - 200 hits per day

A project that I did on predicting time series analysis of website hits was graded A+ in Columbia and even got me an internship at MathWorks.

People are usually on my website for CFA or poems, but they occasionally looks at categories like MFE, New York and Marriage as well.

The data shows a strong seasonality of 7 days.

I’ve got about 280 comments till date. 43 of them were spam.

…lost motivation to write more…this sounds so narcissistic :(

मई जून 1940 की बात है. हिटलर ने पूरे महाद्वीप पर कब्ज़ा कर लिया. Blitzkreig कामयाब हुआ प्रतीत होता था. france ने घुटने टेक दिए थे. अब britain की बारी थी. हिटलर ने कहा, आत्मसमर्पण कर दो. churchill ने parliament को कहा -

“… we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the new world, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old…”
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_shall_fight_on_the_beaches#Peroration)

और फिर उन्होंने कहा,

“…. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, This was their finest hour....”
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_was_their_finest_hour)

===

साला देश के देश नहीं रुकते परेशानी में,पर उनकी बात छोडो.. siberian crane नहीं रूकती हिन्दुकुश पार करने से, चींटी नहीं रूकती दाना उठाने में, spider नहीं रुकता बार बार गिर कर उठने की कोशिश करने में, गड्ढे में गिरी गाय नहीं रूकती निकलने की कोशिश करने में … इंसान होकर मैं रुक जाऊं तो धिक्कार है मुझ पे!! जब चीज़ें आसान हो तो कोई भी नाम कर सकता है. मुश्किल से जूझना ही तो मर्दानगी है. और अगर इतना पढ़ के, इतना कर के, इतने अच्छे रिश्तेदारों और मित्रों का साथ पाने के बावजूद मैं घबरा जाऊं, तो मुझमे है की क्या गर्व के लिए??

क्या अच्छा है, क्या बुरा? आजीवन सोचता रहूँ तब भी किसी नतीजे पे नहीं आ सकता. जैसे की मेरे घर के बाहर लगा maple का पेड़. जब कोई interview call आती है और मेरे पैरों में उछाल होता है, तब वो कितना प्यारा दीखता है. जब कोई मुझे नकारता है और मैं ज़मीन में गढ़ा जाता हूँ, तब वो कैसा मरणासन्न लगता है. पेड़ तो पेड़ है. autumn तो autumn ही है. columbia university तो columbia university ही है. मैं भी वोही का वोही हूँ.

नज़रों में जरूर फर्क है…

I am feeling much better now. And the reason is that I spoke to my mom and she made me see some basic things, which i had forgotten in my panic.

I have started getting some interview calls. Some more are in the pipeline. 3 interviews for their final round are scheduled this month…something should come out of it I hope! And then, there are still 6 months to go before my Visa requirements force me to go back to India. Assuming the worst case of 3 calls per month - that means 20 interview calls. Lets think I get an offer only in 1 of 5 companies. That means I should have 4 final decisions to choose. In the rarest case of cracking only 10% interview - I still should have 2 offers to choose from. If even that doesn’t work, I’ll do some research or something, try to be here for 3-4 more month and get a job. And frankly, If I don’t get a job even after 12 months, then I am better off going to India.

So what’s the worst which may happen? I’ll go back to India. India is a booming market. There is Finance, there is IT, there is education. I did very good work at ICICI Bank and I think people still remember it. I may get a job at ICICI, if not in some other bank. If not in Finance, I will join an IT company. If even that fails I will join an MBA college/coaching. Heck, I may just open up a institute myself.

Strange that my mom should put some sense in me, of all the people whom I know of.

आजकल सोच रहा हूँ की निराशा से कैसे निपटा जाए. यह कहना की निराश हो ही मत तो एक ideal state है. वो मेरे बस की फिलहाल नहीं. शायद कुछ समय बाद आये.
महत्त्वपूर्ण ये है की जब पता है की मैं निराश या तो हूँ, या हो सकता हूँ, तो उसका उपाय क्या हो? निराशा को यही हटाया नहीं जाए, तो वो अवसाद का रूप धारण कर सकती है. ये मेरे साथ पहले बहुत बार हो चुका है, और आजकल भी हो रहा है.. इस समस्या का समाधान अत्यावश्यक है.

मेरे विचार में जब भी हम निराश हों, तो अपने भूत के बारे में सोचना चाहिए. मेरा मतलब ये नहीं है की सोचो, ” अरे अगर मैं कुछ करता तो ये हो जाता, या अगर में कुछ मेहनत और करता तो कुछ पा जाता, या अगर मैं इतना मूर्खता पूर्ण हरकतें नहीं करता तो वो मेरी होती.. आदि, इत्यादि”. मेरा अभिप्राय है की सोचो जीवन में पहले भी कितनी कठिनाईयां आयीं, कितनी बार लगा की भाई अब तो गए - अब कुछ हो नहीं सकता…लेकिन हर बार चीज़ें ठीक ही हो गयीं. जैसे की कभी लगता था की अगर नंबर ठीक नहीं आये तो क्या होगा - भाई नहीं भी आये तब भी कहीं न कही admission हो ही गया. लगता था की नौकरी नहीं मिली तो क्या होगा - तो नौकरी भी मिल ही गयी. लगता था की अगर वो लड़की मुझे पसंद नहीं करेगी तो क्या होगा - नहीं भी किया तो क्या फर्क पद गया जीवन में? भूल तो गए सब कुछ. वो चीज़ें कहाँ इतनी बड़ी लगती हैं सब. काल ने सब ठीक कर ही दिया. जैसे की W .H .Auden ने भी कहा है,

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

अब आज मैं इसलिए निराश हूँ की एक तो नौकरी नहीं लग रही, दूसरे जिससे बहुत पसंद किया उसे मैं पसंद नहीं, तीसरे लगता है की कोई ऐसा मित्र नहीं जिससे मैं सब कुछ कह पाऊँ. ये स्थिति कितनी मूर्खतापूर्ण है! नौकरी कैसे नहीं लगेगी? कहीं न कहीं को सब fit हो ही जाते हैं. मैं भी कुछ न कुछ कर ही लूँगा - चाहे अभी मुझे नहीं पता की कैसे करूंगा.

उसे मैं पसंद नहीं, कहा है ,”मुझे परेशान न करो!”. तो भाई जिसे ये लगता है की मैं उसे परेशान कर रहा हूँ, जो मेरी मुसीबत में मेरे साथ नहीं, जो मेरी अच्छाइयों की क़द्र नहीं करती, वो साला अगर मिल भी जाती है तो कौन बड़ी बात है? क्या ऐसे व्यक्ति के साथ मैं अपना जीवन बिताना पसंद करूंगा?

आखरी बात है की मुझे अकेलापन महसूस होता है. लेकिन अगर मैं ध्यान से याद करूँ तो पाऊँगा की हमेशा जीवन में एक न एक मित्र हमेशा रहा. बचपन में बबलू, कोटा मैं आंचलिया और आदित्य, engineering में नवू और RG , MBA में रूहानी, ICICI में परीक्षित और ऋतू, और अब US में परवल और फिर से आंचलिया. कोई न कोई हमेशा था जिसने ध्यान से सुना - गोलू या अदिति, आदित्य बीर या मिनाक्षी, आर्या या अवनीत कोई भी.

मन तो बावरा है, वो दुखी जाने क्यूँ होना चाहता है. जीवन सुखद है.. भगवन ने सब कुछ तो दिया है! माता पिता का प्यार, कुछ पैसे की कभी भूखा न रहूँ, कुछ दोस्त की कभी अकेला न रहूँ. इतना सब अगर अच्छा हुआ है तो कुछ अगर बुरा होता है तो ठीक है. अंत में Khalil Gibran की The Prophet की कुछ पंक्तियाँ..

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.”

( The prophet by Kahlil Gibran, 1923)

After applying to the 82nd job in the past 25 days, I am a bit tired. So I have taken my laptop and am sitting opposite the campus church at Columbia University. I pondered if I should sit on the Low Library steps but then decided it was too crouded with people trying to catch the last minutes of the setting sun. Not that the church bench is bereft of humanity - There are a few people sitting opposite the greek revival portico on which is engraved, “In lumine Tuo videbimus lumen” or ” In your light shall we see the light”

Job hunting brings out different emotions in different people. Some are enthusiastic about it, like that class of 2007 for whom sky was the limit. Some are shit scared of it, like the class of 2008 for whom nadir was constantly going down. And some are like the class of 2011 - All of whom will get something or other, but they all seem to be discontent.

I feel I am a mixture of all the emotions, sometimes I am excited when I get a call, sometimes I am depressed when I dont even get an acknowledgement that I have applied, sometimes I doubt myself when I see an “Interview Status :Declined” email in my inbox. But more than all of these crests and troughs, it seems that life is losing its color.

Of late I have observed that my interests are waning. I do not find myself looking at trees or going on walks anymore. My amazement at finding architectural patterns is ebbing. Talking to people seems to be an exhausting activity, and paradoxically, being alone even more so. I dont find squirrels cute or dogs to be loving. I dont attend Indian Temple or Greek History courses as I used to. I just dont do anything. I look around and feel that I’m one of the millions of people who are just existing, not living.

And then there are ladies. ST writes letters that go into pages and I feel nothing about them. I think of writing a small paragraph to White Rabbit but I know it will meet the same fate. I look at ST and realize that she is exactly in the same situation as me and I feel bad for her. God knows when she’ll understand. God known when White Rabbit will understand. God knows when I’ll understand.

Its just sad. F*** it.

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हज़ारों रंग में तुम
तुम में हज़ार रंग.
सात रंग में इन्द्रधनुष है, किन्तु
मात्र तुम में स्पंदन.

Boston, 11 August 2011

word meaning
स्पंदन - the essence of motion / heartbeat

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तुम तितली हो
इठलाती, बल खाती
मुझे बावरा कर मंडराती,
हे मेरी तुम,
तुम मेरे जीवन की रागिनी हो.

Boston , 13 जुलाई 2011

Category: love, poem, present  3 Comments

इस जून पेरू घूमने गया तो खँडहर पे खँडहर देखे. बड़े बड़े पत्थर , बड़ी बड़ी इमारतें, बड़े बड़े शहर और एक भव्य राज्य ( जो की उस समय का सबसे बड़ा empire था - 3000 मील से भी ज्यादा बड़ा) वो सब टूट कर बिखर गया मात्र 10 साल में. स्पेन ने पूरा देश खोखला कर दिया. लोगों का दमन हुआ और सब कुछ मिटटी हो गया.

सोमनाथ का मंदिर 26 बार लूटा गया. ये शर्मनाक है की भारतीय अपनी रक्षा 26 बार नहीं कर पाए.

american indians के साथ तो सबसे बुरा हुआ. अपने ही देश में शरणार्थी बन गए और आज पूरे देश में, पिछले १ साल में, एक भी नहीं दिखा. अफ्रीकी कबीलों को नौकर बना के सात समुन्दर पार पहुंचा दिया गया. कांगो में जो लोग काम नहीं करते उनके हाथ काट दिए गए. द्वितीय विश्व युद्ध में यहूदियों को लगभग ख़तम कर दिया गया.

इतिहास गवाह है, की जो अपनी रक्षा नहीं कर पाता - चाहे उसने किसी का कुछ बुरा न किया हो - वो निरीह मनुष्य को दुनिया खा जाती है. हम आज भी
पशु हैं. इंसान दुसरे इंसान को अपने कब्ज़े में लेना चाहता है.

ऐसे परिस्थिति में - आवश्यक है की अपने को इतना ताकतवर बनाओ की दूसरा हमला न कर पाए. अगर उपाय परमाणु शक्ति है तो परमाणु शक्ति लाओ. अगर उपाय दुश्मनों का संहार है तो करो. अगर सर कटवाने या सर काटने के बीच चुनाव है, तो सर काटो.

=======

कृष्ण की पुकार है
ये भगवत का सार है
की युद्ध ही तो वीर का प्रमाण है
कौरवों की भीड़ हो या
पांडवों का नीद हो
जो लड़ सका है वोही तो महान है

( आरम्भ है प्रचंड - पीयूष मिश्र (गुलाल) )

इधर कुछ दिनों से महसूस हो रहा है की धीरे धीरे भारत से दूर होता जा रहा हूँ और अमरीका के करीब. ये चीज़ पहले पाश्चात्य शहरों की खूबसूरती से शुरू हुई, लेकिन मालूम पड़ता है की अब ये tangible की जगह intangible बातों पर टिक रही है, और मुझे लगता है की ये तो खतरनाक है!

अगर मैं सड़कों पर फ़िदा हूँ, या अगर मैं नदियों और समुद्रतट पर वारा जाऊं, तो ठीक है. पेड़ और फूल कहीं भी खिल सकते हैं. इमारतें मुंबई और दिल्ली में खडी हो सकती हैं.

लेकिन अगर मैं अमरीकी जीवनशैली का कद्रदान बनता जाऊं, तो बड़ी भारी मुश्किल होगी. मुझे स्वतंत्रता अच्छी लगने लगी है, मुझे आदत होने लगी है की लोग मुझसे अच्छी तरह से बात करेंगे. मैं भूलने लगा हूँ की किसी समय मैं ऐसी जगह था जहाँ corruption , भीड़ भाड़ और इंसानी जीवन की क्षणभंगुरता सदैव उपस्थित - सदा स्वीकृत सत्य थे.

मुझे लगता है की मैं “धोबी का कुत्ता - न घर का, न घाट का” वाले पथ पर अग्रसर हूँ….

बुझा बुझा सा है,
मेरा रंगीन बगीचा.
मानो लाल पीला नीला,
Daisy और hydangea ,
सब बदल गए मुरझाए सफ़ेद में.

तुम आओ,
मुस्काओ,
बगीचे में रंग भर दो.

हे मेरी तुम,
अपने रस से,
मुझे फिर से जीवित कर दो..

- 4 जुलाई 2011 , boston

Aunt Helen by T S Eliot

Miss Helen Slingsby was my maiden aunt,
And lived in a small house near a fashionable square
Cared for by servants to the number of four.
Now when she died there was silence in heaven
And silence at her end of the street.
The shutters were drawn and the undertaker wiped his feet–
He was aware that this sort of thing had occurred before.
The dogs were handsomely provided for,
But shortly afterwards the parrot died too.
The Dresden clock continued ticking on the mantelpiece,
And the footman sat upon the dining-table
Holding the second housemaid on his knees–
Who had always been so careful while her mistress lived.

====

Death of a mechanic - Paul Pellicci

He was fixing his car
Held up only by a jack
While underneath working
It came crashing down
He was using a ratchet wrench
3/8 socket driven into his skull
Wasn’t all that unusual
3/8 is a very common size.
He was buried
By a neglected wife and kids
The emotion was shock
Those tears seemed dry
We all wondered
Who’s getting his tools?

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10) You stop completing your linkedin profile and start worrying about xyzmatrimony.com

9) While taking a picture you start thinking of making it a abcmatrimony profile pic rather than a FB profile pic.

8) You start noticing people’s surnames - something you never did in the past 27 years of your life.

7) You realize that now in addition to preparing, “Why do you want this job?” you also have to prepare, “What do I expect from my life partner?”

6) The girl who sits in the next cabin starts looking OK to you.

5) (Almost) Every ‘correct age’ unmarried women starts being judged from a is-she-ok-for-me point of view

4) You start realizing that all your ex-girlfriends weren’t that bad after all.

3) You moods begin alternating between being S*** scared and irrational exuberance(and I dont mean that in an Alan Greenspanish way)

2) Every time your mom calls up, you feel the consternation that she’ll either mention a new ‘rishtaa’ or ask, “Bhaiyyu, did you find someone on xyzmatrimony?”

1) You are undecided that which of the above 9 points should be ranked numero uno, for all of them are as weird and as true as it gets.

hagar

संगीता जी दिल्ली में रहती हैं और बिखरे मोती नाम का एक ब्लॉग रखती हैं. http://gatika-sangeeta.blogspot.com/ . सार्थक नाम है इनके ब्लॉग का ! इतनी सुन्दर और कोमल रचनायें पढ़ मन गद-गद हो गया. ये सभी कवितायेँ इनके ब्लॉग से ली गयीं हैं और इनके सर्वाधिकार संगीता जी के पास सुरक्षित हैं. मैं इन्हें केवल non -commercial तरीके से प्रस्तृत कर रहा हूँ…

http://gatika-sangeeta.blogspot.com/2011/03/blog-post_18.html पलाश

पलक पर जमी
शबनम की बूंद को
तर्जनी पर ले कर
जैसे ही तुमने चूमा
मेरी आँखों में
न जाने कितने
पलाश खिल गए ….

http://gatika-sangeeta.blogspot.com/2010/09/blog-post.html

खामोशियाँ
ठहर गयीं हैं
आज
आ कर
मेरे लबों पर

खानाबदोशी की
ज़िंदगी शायद
उन्हें
रास नहीं आई

http://gatika-sangeeta.blogspot.com/2010/07/blog-post_21.हटमल

तमन्ना ने तेरी
होठों पे उंगली
रख कर
जैसे ही कहा

“श्श्शश्श”

सारे मेरे ख्वाब
ठिठक कर
रुक गए…

http://gatika-sangeeta.blogspot.com/2010/03/blog-post_24.हटमल

कल्पना के
इन्द्रधनुष को
किसी क्षितिज की
दरकार नहीं

ये तो
उग आते हैं
मन के
आँगन के
किसी कोने में ….

रुक जाता है New York ,
ठहर जातें हैं चलते कदम,
चुप हो जाती है सभी सडकें,
उन चंद लम्हों के लिए,
जब तुम मेरी किसी बात पर,
शर्माती हो…

8 जून २०११, Boston

New York stops.
footsteps stop,
and the streets turn silent,
for those few moments
When while listening to me,
you blush.

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02
May

What is money worth? How important is it to other and how important is it to me?

Interestingly enough, the answers to the above questions have started to become more clear to me. Money is worth only what you think it worth, and thus its importance differs from person to person. While this may seem a banal truth to the reader, I think the appreciation of this fact is invaluable to me.

About two years back, on a chilly December night in Delhi, I took an Auto from Katwaria Sarai to AIIMS. After the standard negotiation I observed that the auto driver was a bit different. He looked different from others and he behaved differently from others, even while negotiating for fare. So I asked this 50 year old, “who are you? You were not always an auto driverit seems!”. And then this guy said, ” I was an industrialist and I had three houses and 5 cars. I had bad luck and I lost everything. Now since an year I’m driving an auto.” This was very weird! I then asked him, ” Are you not sad and discouraged with life?” and he replied, “No, God had given me good days and god has given me bad days as well”.

—-

2 weeks back, McKinsey sponsored a symposium in Boston. of the 5000 odd resumes that they received, they selected 50 people to come. I was one of those 50. I boarded Acela Express, and McKinsey paid the $230 round ticket from NYC -Boston. I attended a party in the evening where I could have one the most expensive wines of the world. At night I was in one of the best rooms of Ritz-Carlton that overlooked Boston Common. Next Morning, after the expensive wines, king-type bath and a 5 star stay, I looked outside and thought - where has life taken me today! Where was I 25 years back in my village where we used to get electricity only 10 hours a day? How was my first school where i took classes under open sky because the roof wasn’t ready! How I used to travel in sleeper class trains for 18 hours before reaching home, sometimes sitting on the ground because I had no reservation! And how I am here today! How I went to London! How I came to Columbia University….. and most importantly where I may be tomorrow?

What is wealth? It comes and goes. What is money? it is here today, and not there tomorrow. Life & luck are so fickle minded that it is pointless to associate our happiness with money. I am thankful to Lord that he giveth me this newfound wealth, but I remain cautious of growing too attached to it.Of course I need money to feed myself and my family, to live a decent lifestyle and to take care of my family’s health. But beyond that, its plain useless to me.

साईं इतना दीजिये, जा मे कुटुम समाय ।
मैं भी भूखा न रहूँ, साधु ना भूखा जाय ॥

नहीं आयीं तुम,

आज फिर से,
न कुछ लिखा ,
न कुछ बताया.
सब मन में छुपाया.
<br>
हे मेरी तुम,
क्यूँ हो ये राज़,
तुम्हारे मेरे बीच,
क्यों हो ये संबंध,
कडवे, संदेह से सींच?
<br>
* “हे मेरी तुम” केदार की अनेक रचनाओ का नाम है. उनकी लेखनी पढ़ते हुए शायद मैं भी अब वैसे ही लिखने लगा हूँ

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This poem has been taken from http://vatsanurag.blogspot.com/2008/09/blog-post_07.html . It is a very nice blog where you can read poems spanning the whole spectrum of emotions.

This poem, by Laltu, talks about ‘correct’ distances - It is difficult for me to write what it is about. Suffice to say that I was touched.


फिर मिले
फिर किया वादा
फिर मिलेंगे।


बहुत दूर
इतनी दूर से नहीं कह सकते
जो कुछ भी कहना चाहिए

होते करीब तो कहते वह सब
जो नहीं कहना चाहिए

आजीवन ढूंढते रहेंगे
वह दूरी
सही सही जिसमें कही जाएँगी बातें

Category: Emotion, poem  Tags:  One Comment

Kedar often did not name his poems. The first lines were  the name of the poem, something I dont think makes sense. Have thus changed the name of this poem

भूल सकता मैं नहीं

ये कुच-खुले दिन,

ओठ से चूमे गए,

उजले, धुले दिन,

जो तुम्हारे साथ बीते

रस-भरे दिन,

बावरे दिन,

दीप की लौ-से

गरम दिन ।

(My translation follows)

Try yet I cannot forget,

these open breasted days -

kissed by your lips,

these bright, just bathed days.

The ones spent with you,

these sap filled days.

crazy days.

warm, -

warm like the candle flame days.

She surrenders to him, completely,

letting guards down,

( not wanting to let survival skills kick in)

listening to Simon and Garfunkel,

preach about the subway Gods